sooo... my cousin asked me to choose any juicy bracelet that i want.. he knows i love love em.. out of around 15 designs i chose this one:
finally
april 22, 2008
11:53 pm
woke up at 8am.. unusual?
i guess.. lol
i made such a big fuss. i even sent a mass IM to my friends telling them that im
already up coz i usually sleep before 8am! i didnt expect this day would turn
out great. i shouldve known.. :)
after lunch, i was left alone here at home. Nothing to do. IMed most of the
people that i talk to, wala lang. ordinary kwentuhan.. actually i was already
planning to go to national bookstore late in the afternoon to buy some stuff but
since peb had to leave, i decided not to.
then sher IMed me. wala lang. normal stuff. kamustahan. i was forced to face an
issue that we talk about most of the time so kinamusta ko naman yun. kwento sha..
ok ok ok.. her last message about the issue made me realize something...
something na masakit para sakin.. ok.. breathe.. i waited for the biterness, the
anger, the sadness to rush in.. baket wala? normally, id cuss out loud, cry,
throw a mudaeffin tantrum, change my status to something hateful and blog my ass
off about it. pero bakit ngayon, wala yung feeling na yon? ramdam ko yung sakit.
pero wala ung iba. asan sila? i cant force myself to feel them. i know those
emotions are involuntary.. nagtaka ako.. i was hurting but i felt happy at the
same time. i was so confused.
so i PMed camz..
"baka tulog toh, di pa reply.."
checked my ym list.. sino bang online na may enough wisdom para ipaliwanag sakin
itong nararamdaman ko.. hmmm.. ah si pao!
anya: pao, lam mo ba yung feeling na nasaktan ka pero mas relieved ka?
pao: d eh, nasa isip ko lang gf ko, miss na miss ko na sha
ok.. oo nga pala, medyo uber senti mode si pao ngayon.. tingin
uli..
p.. hmm.. PRINCE! bessy ko!!
anya: bes
anya: bessssssssss
prince: yezzzzzzzzzzz
anya: nasaktan ako!! pero masaya ako kasi nasaktan ako!! pwede ba un?
prince: oo naman
prince: eh kung kinakatuwa mo masaktan e
anya: hindi hindi
prince: hahahaha
prince: anu?
anya: besss
anya: d ko mapaliwanag
prince: masaya ka kase may natutunan ka nung nasaktan ka?
anya: oo!!!!
anya: ganon ata!!
prince: ayan
prince: okaaaay
soo.. medyo medyo clear na.. hmm ayun si camz nag reply na!!
camz: yo
anya: camzzzz
anya: i feel anoo
camz: yeshhh
camz: u feel wattt
camz: hehehe
anya: d ko maintindihan
anya: nasaktan ako
anya: pero
anya: masaya ako
camz: ahahaha
camz: amft
anya: ano ba unnn
camz: ok yan
camz: ahaha
camz: malapit kana mkamove on
anya: am i finally moving on?
camz: yesssssssssss
camz: apir!
it dawned on me.. eto na ata yon.. matagal kong gusto ito maramdaman pero kahit
anong pilit ko i cant.. i feel like im dead but im finally crossing over. parang
ganon. i smiled.. na sobrang alam ko di pa ako naka smile ng ganon uli since
such a very long time. dami nag flash back. mga nagawa ko this past few days,
mga naramdaman ko and it all made perfect sense. i found what i exactly needed..
and it brought about my freedom not from someone else but from myself. for the
first time i cried not because i was hurt but because i was happy.
if you are gonna ask me what i found out, lets just put it this way.
theres this person that i love, its not "like", its LOVE and im proud to write
it here coz im not affected anymore. anyway, i always thought that i could be
the only person who can make him happy. the problem is, he's already with
someone else (which justifies my bitterness). and today i found out that he is
truly, 100% happy with her. It hurts for me, yes, but because i love him, theres
nothing more that i can do but be happy for him too. for love has its own
setbacks.. in situations like this, iniisip natin na yung hindi natin pag give
up eh mapapatunayan natin kung gaano natin sila kamahal. and blinded tayo sa
fact na we have to accept reality.
i didnt force myself to feel this way. i always asked why i cant move on when i
really really tried. maybe this was what i was just waiting for.. to know that
he is finally, genuinely happy. that was enough for me.
i went out, splurged on stuff that i know na makakahelp sakin to improve myself.
sher told me about this book (he's just not into you) basically it explains how
clueless girls can be when they think that guys give out mixed signals when in
fact, they're just not interested. i looked for it. tagal ko nag intay, wala daw..
i thought "maybe its because i didnt need it. everything was clear na" so i just
said thank you to the saleslady who was totally determined to find it. ok lang,
i felt serene while walking and browsing for some stuff. the pain was still
there but i am 100% sure that soon enough it'll go away.
i went home and i knew that no one can ruin my mood. i know i have something to
be proud of, theres no doubt that i love him more than anyone did and more than
anyone could ever do. just because ive let him go. na realize ko na, ayaw ko
maging someone na hindi naman ako just for the sake of proving to him na mahal
ko sha. na d ko pala kaya makasakit ng ibang tao na wala namang ginagawa sakin.
hindi ko pala kayang saktan yung taong mahal niya kasi yun ang nagpapasaya
sakanya. and nung mga nakaraang araw, alam ko i was starting to do these things
na.. i realized that i couldnt go that far for love. hindi ako yung babae na
ganon (and i have no plans to be like her) hehe. i know how it feels to be the
victim. i shouldnt let that happen to someone else too.
so to you.. (you know who you are) if ever youre reading this. thank you so
much. im sorry you know why. i have no plans to interfere with your happiness
even if it means that im gonna lose my own. i love you and you know that kaya im
happy for you.. finally, pareho tayong masaya. i can look at you straight in the
eye and tell all of these things to you.. again im sorry. im just here..
to all the people who have been a great help to me. im sorry too. i knew that
all you ever wanted for me is to be okay but i was always so stubborn and shit
(lol sorry but its true).. especially clydee (who gets sooo annoyed when he
hears the magic word " anya becomes another person when this guy is around.
then comes back after meeting him, then complains about it, but she does it
again. Anya, its like crack. you do it. get fucked up... you swear you wont do
it again then do it again") and rhand (who i constantly IM whenever im
annoyed..) im so sorry.. it took me quite awhile to realize. i want to thank you
for all the love that i was too blind to notice. thank you sooo much.
*camz, clyde, prince, rhand, jenny, pao, maika, sher, RA, erick, hane, blizz,
ching, ans, janice, bec, mar, arthur, glenda, marijo, miggy, nea, chippie, des,
tanya, my family.. as in lahat lahat kayoo.. sobrang thanks, i wouldnt have done
it without you.
after such a loooooooooong time, i can finally sleep and wake up knowing that im
free, im OK, and im so much better. now i know how it feels to give an
unconditional love. ill just sit and wait here for my turn to receive one. i
know ill get it. someday, somehow.
thus the end of a fairly long chapter of my life..
im putting out a new pen, some fresh papers and get ready to start and write the
new one.
Some Quotes For Me To Live By
April 21, 2008
6:01 pm
im a tv series freak. i
admit. im hooked to so many series not only do i enjoy watching but i also learn
from them.. its fiction but sometimes our life story tends to become a fiction
as well right?
so here are some quotable quotes from the series that i watch.
i learn it and i try to live it.. :)
Veronica Mars
from Veronica Mars
*Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything, creating
chaos. You wait for the dust to settle, and then you choose. You can live in the
wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from
the rubble and slowly rebuild. Because after disaster strikes, the important
thing is that you move on. But if you're like me, you just keep chasing the
storm.
*You know those people who can predict when change is coming in their life? I'm
not one of them. Change has a way of just walking up and punching me in the
face.
*So this is how it is. The innocent suffer, the guilty go free, and truth and
fiction are pretty much interchangeable. ...There is neither a Santa Claus, nor
an Easter Bunny, and there no angels watching over us. Things just happen for no
reason, and nothing makes any sense
* So what would Stan Marsh say in a situation like this? I think we all learned
a valuable lesson about faith. You give it to the people you love. But the
people who really deserve it are the ones who come through, even when you don't
love them enough.
*Here's what you do... you get tough. You get even.
*Well, actually, despite popular opinion you really can't beat the truth out of
someone.
Mary Alice Young
from Desperate Housewives
*Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it’s a
friendly rivalry...or a fight to the death...the end result is the same. There
will be winners...and there will be losers. Of course, the trick is to know
which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price.
*Every storm brings with it hope that somehow by morning everything will be made
clean again, and even the most troubling stains would have disappeared like the
doubts over his innocents, or the consequence of his mistake, like the scars of
his betrayal or the memory of his kiss. So we wait for the storm to pass, hoping
for the best even though we know in our hearts some stains are so indelible
nothing can wash them away.
Carrie Bradshaw
from Sex and the City
*That night I got to thinking about bed. Are we secretly being graded every time
we invite someone to join us in it? A plus, B, D, incomplete.- Is making love
really nothing more than a pop quiz? If sex is a test, how do we know if we're
passing or Falling? How do you know if you're good in bed?"
*We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it's not
an actual date.
*If two people have only one thought between them, something is very wrong.
*The Eskimos have hundreds of word for snow but we've invented three times that
many words for relationships. What really defines a relationship?
*It's like the riddle of the Sphinx... why are there so many great unmarried
women, and no great unmarried men?
*Maybe men and women aren't from different planets as pop culture would have us
believe. Maybe we live a lot closer to each other. Perhaps, dare I even say it,
in the same zip code
*This is going to be like the 'Bridges of Madison Avenue', a very brief affair
I'll write about in sappy letters to my grandchildren.
*People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates - hoping to hit
the jackpot. But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar.
*Balls are to men what purses are to women.
*What ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship.
*In a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising?
*As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a
little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda,
shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.
*After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we
can do is breath and reboot.
*If you are single there is always one thing you should take out with you on a
Saturday night... your friends.
*When men attempt bold gestures, generally it's considered romantic. When women
do it, it's often considered desperate or psycho.
*Can you really forgive if you can't forget?
*Men who are too good looking are never good in bed because they never had to
be.
*When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever
haunted by the spirits of relationships past.
*Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate.
Meredith Grey
from Grey's Anatomy
*At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other
people out; they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can
waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there
are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know, If
you're willing to take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.
*I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell
you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming,
and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and
keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the
rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.
*Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a
bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an
adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes
and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood
is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks.
Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And
if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello?
Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really
good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and
let it slip right through your fingers.
*Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it,
I don't know, maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I
keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
*At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you
don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be
slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle.
And its not so important, happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See
once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a
while people may even take your breath away.
*The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets
free. Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open, like it or not. And
once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them
anymore. The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control,
you're not.
*Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random
pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain
you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else;
makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much
we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out,
embrace it, ignore it... and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to
just push through it.
*Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the
wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just
breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed,
but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the
belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth
is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more.
*Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is,
once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes
to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.
*At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but
talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say
because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say,
they're what you do. Some things you say because there's no other choice. Some
things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some
things simply speak for themselves.
*Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with
joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is.
Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human.
Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful
for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have
the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.
*How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much
information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all
just too much to bear?
*No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away,
whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth: It hurts. So we
lie.
*I've heard that it’s possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who’s
actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for
ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets
with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And
we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give
up hope.
*Okay, so, sometimes even the best of us make rash decisions. Bad decisions.
Decisions we pretty much know we're going to regret the moment, the minute,
especially the morning after. I mean, maybe not regret, regret because at least,
you know, we put ourselves out there. But...still. Something inside us decides
to do a crazy thing. A thing we know will probably turn around and bite us in
the ass. Yet, we do it anyway. What I'm saying is...we reap what we sow. what
comes around goes around. It's karma and, any way you slice it...karma sucks.
*Life is not a spectator sport. Win, lose, or draw, the game is on. So go
ahead... argue with the ref, change the rules, cheat a little, take a break and
tend to your wounds. But play. Play. Play hard, play fast... play loose and
free. Play as if there's no tomorrow. Okay, so it's not whether you win or lose,
it's how you play the game... right?
*We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us, more than others. We carry the damage
with us from childhood, then as grownups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately,
we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can.
*Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants
is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time.
*The body is a slave to its impulses. But the thing that makes us human is what
we can control. After the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment
has passed, we can cool off and clean up the messes we made. We can try to let
go of what was. Then again...
*There are times when even the best of us have trouble with commitment, and we
may be surprised at the commitments we're willing to let slip out of our grasp.
Commitments are complicated. We may surprise ourselves by the commitments we're
willing to make. True commitment, takes effort, and sacrifice. Which is why
sometimes, we have to learn the hard way, to choose our commitments very
carefully.
*Not all wounds are superficial. Most wounds run deeper than you can imagine.
You can't see them with the naked eye. And then there are the wounds that take
us by surprise. The trick with any kind of wound or disease is to dig down and
find the real source of the pain - and once you've found it, try like hell to
heal that sucker.
*Many people don't know that the human eye has a blind spot in its field of
vision. There is a part of the world that we are literally blind to. The problem
is, sometimes our blind spots shield us from things that really shouldn't be
ignored. Sometimes our blind spots keep our lives bright and shiny.
*At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be
close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not
to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who
we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick
close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at
the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close
can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be
exactly what you need.
*People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of
their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds
heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we
carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers.
*Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can’t have. Desire
leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. And as tough
as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don’t
know what they want.
*The truth is painful. Deep down nobody wants to hear it, especially when it
hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have
to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear
it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help
ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them, because we owe them at least that much.
*Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It's good advice, but it's not very
practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs
us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness old scores never settle. Old wounds
never heal, and the most we can hope for is that someday we'll be lucky enough
to forget.
lol, its a long list but its not even the half of it, i loveeee veronica mars,
even though meredith grey said so many stuff about life, its still veronica's
tragedy and chaos quote FTW.. it soooo applies to me =D
did i make the wrong decision?
april 20, 2008
11:16 pm
sooo... my cousin asked me to choose any juicy bracelet that i want.. he knows i love love em.. out of around 15 designs i chose this one:
comments are appreciated.. make me feel better please
